Up and Down We Go

Again the question came to mind, if he is actually in love with me or if this is an endless game of playing with my heart and mind. Me being me, I decided to ask and his response this time was a definite “Jay, I am IN love with you.” Well for those who don’t know me on a more personal level, I am the type of person that if you tell me something and it doesn’t exactly add up correctly in my mind, I will continously think and ask about it until my mind is satisfied enough to rest with your responses.

That answer didn’t sit with me right being as, although he says he loves me, he fails to commit himself to me even enough to just be in a simple relationship with me again. He was the one who ended our relationship and at that point in time it was understandable due to the constant stress put on our relationship by both things we could controll and the uncontrolled things as well. Now however, things are much better and back to normal. Don’t get me wrong, there’s pleanty of room for improvement, there always will be, but we are great other than him playing games emotionally and not being able to commit.

At times I feel like I should present him with an ultimatum, either he gets it together and commits to what he says he wants or I leave and figure stuff out on my own. Other times I feel I should get it together myself and decide if I am willing to let him continue these games because if so I can not complain about the way things are with us – or if I’m going to finally get fed up and leave. The decision really is mine, and as long as I leave the ball in his court, he will be the one controlling “the game.”

Maybe that’s our problem, neither one of us are thinking of it as anything that will seriously last. My thoughts are that it will last as long as we allow it to. I have a lot of baggage that comes with me, baggage that contortes my thoughts, twist the happy, hopeful thoughts into those that are so hateful and hopeless its impossible to believe that we will ever be anything more than what we already are. Will we? Is it worth holding on to? Is he honestly in love with me because if so, nothing and I mean nothing should hold him back from making progression in the relationship with the woman that he is not only in love with, but has a family with. I want a commitment, maybe not marriage – not at this point but someday. Maybe that’s way to much to ask of him.

That is the reason behind the confusion.

The question that still remains, Will he commit or will this be the unhappily ever after to our twisted fairytale.


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